United in Courage: Oksana

United in Courage is an ongoing series of interviews conducted and translated by the Feminists of Kyiv team, starting in spring 2023. The series features members of feminist and LGBTQ+ communities serving in the Armed Forces of Ukraine.

We invited the participants to share their lives before the full-scale russian invasion and what motivated them to join the army. We also discussed the different experiences and challenges they face in the Armed Forces, as well as the sources of support that sustain their resilience in the ongoing war.

We are publishing this interview with Oksana a year after it was initially recorded. Although she is now a veteran, the value and relevance of her experience as a trans woman in the Armed Forces of Ukraine only continue to grow over time.

It is extremely important for Feminists of Kyiv to document the stories of women and LGBTQ+ individuals, especially civil activists, involved in this war, whether as active duty soldiers, veterans or volunteers. We encourage you to support us in this effort.

Interviewer, editor, translator: Bozhena Makovska
Visual artist: Michael Tulsky

In the Ukrainian LGBTQ+ movement, I am known as Oksana Surchok. My passport contains different information, but this is temporary. I was born in Makiivka, Donetsk region, 40 years ago. Since 2014, when the first war started, I have lived in Kyiv. When the full-scale war began, I didn’t have the chance to complete my gender transition. I had a surgery scheduled for March 2022. But there was no choice; I made the decision to join the Armed Forces of Ukraine instantly. I volunteered on the first day of the full-scale invasion. Currently, I hold the rank of sergeant and serve as a fire support operator. For the first two months, we had training, and after that, I consistently engaged in combat missions. Since the summer of 2022, I have been deployed in the Bakhmut direction.

Ukraine is my Motherland, my home, my soil, my culture. Ukraine is the land of freedom. The alternative to this, the so-called ‘russian world’, is slavery, chaos, and arbitrariness by those in power, where instead of law, there are only ‘perceptions’ and the whims of the rulers. I know very well what can be expected from this ‘peace’; that’s why I’m here. No one else will stand up for my family except me.

In terms of family, I only have my partner left. She is also a trans woman, like me, and we have been together for almost ten years. She is very supportive of me and my choice to serve. Without her support, it would be very difficult for me. War steals humanity; it steals the soul. Perhaps, thanks to my partner, I am still alive. I have someone to live for.

Legally, we are strangers to each other in Ukraine. Of course, I support the draft law on civil partnerships. This is a vital task for the Ukrainian LGBTQ+ community right now. The state must give us some guarantees, at least. Without the law, we cannot solve our issues, both financial and non-financial. And I’m not talking only about the military, but about all people in general. In fact, there is discrimination, which, in my opinion, stems from the ‘soviet legacy’ that we have inherited.

I have been involved in activism since 2014. The Tema civil initiative was created to simplify the procedure for gender recognition in Ukraine. And we have achieved this. Owing to the efforts of individual activists and their cooperation with medical workers, the situation has changed for the better. For example, the centralised commission has been eliminated. It is no longer compulsory to undergo a psychiatric examination or gender confirmation surgery (which not everyone desires or can afford).

The legalisation of civil partnerships is only one of the issues we need to address. There is also the problem of adoption because some trans people cannot have their own children due to hormone therapy or surgery. We need to address the issue of assisted reproductive technologies. We have already attempted to propose a draft resolution for public discussion, but then the Council of Churches and other ‘religious fanatics’ sent letters to the Ministry of Health, stating that it would harm children. In my opinion, children are most harmed by families where they are not loved, where a child does not know what love and care truly means. Society is changing, but at a very slow pace.

When I joined the Armed Forces, I did not lie but provided false information. When I passed the military medical commission, I did not tell the psychiatrist that I had a diagnosis of F64.0, according to the 10th edition of the ICD (11th edition has not yet been adopted in Ukraine). At that time, no one paid much attention to individuals, because the enemy was already standing near Kyiv. I don’t really talk about being transgender in the army. Some people in my company know, some don’t. Those who know are silent. Those who don’t know don’t need to know. I don’t see any point in coming out. I came here to defend my homeland, not to promote my identity. I have excellent relations with my brothers-in-arms because I earned my authority in battles and through mutual aid.

The army is hard work. You have to constantly carry stuff on your back. When on a mission, you observe. You are being shot at. It can be very tough. Sometimes, it makes you lose your mind, especially when your comrades die. The last major losses in my unit were in February; we lost eleven guys in one day. I had a crisis then; I was out of it for almost a week. And to be honest, I barely survived that time myself. Bakhmut is a bitch, pardon me.

I saw a lot of things that are better left unseen. But I don’t like to talk about specific battles or situations at the front. I can discuss it in my circle, where everyone is a combatant and knows each other. Civilians don’t need to know about it. I can say that I have seen atrocities committed by russians. I heard on the radio how they executed our military, executed civilians. They don’t encrypt it, and I can hear everything. Then you conduct reconnaissance, and it is confirmed. Everything my grandfather told me about the nazis is in the russians. He fought, just like me. Everyone in my family was fighting, one way or another, including women. My grandmother was a liaison for the UPA. How could you not stand up to defend your home when the enemy came to kill you, rape you, and take away your property?

If you’re going to war, you have to be ready to die at any moment. I cannot say that I lived a good life. I didn’t manage to do everything I had planned. But if I had the opportunity to live my life again, in more comfortable conditions, I would still go to this war. If not me, then who?

War is a universal tragedy. It brings grief not only to our people. If the aggressor is not stopped now, the war will gain momentum and spread to other territories. The russians have already tasted blood. If they defeat us, it will be very difficult to stop them in Europe.

We need help because, whatever one may say, we do not have enough ammo of our own. A lot of things are promised, but for some reason I don’t see a wall of artillery fire from our side that we can follow. Modern warfare is manoeuvrable. Today they took our position, and tomorrow we went to retake it and took their position. This is a common situation. However, we are not yet able to break through their defence.

It is also important to prepare the ground for demobilisation, and this is something that activists could do. I can tell you from my own experience that PTSD is overwhelming. My physical health is also severely affected. When you’ve been at war for a year, you’re constantly wearing a bulletproof vest weighing 13 kg. And if you add a weapon, it can be 30-40 kg. My spine is crumbling. All those who survived my call-up have been wounded, and not just once. There are recorded injuries, and there are situations when we don’t even seek treatment because the combat situation doesn’t allow for it. Last autumn, we held the line for three months, literally living in our positions. It was only when the russians broke through the position behind us and began to encircle us that the commander took us out. And he paid for it with his health.

There is an image of Ukrainian warriors as brave, courageous, and unbreakable defenders — and this is true. However, we also face physical and moral deterioration. Nowadays, there is a category of soldiers called ‘temporarily unfit’. Wounded or sick, they can’t do anything, yet they cannot go home either. This needs to be changed. The military medical commission system also needs to be reformed as it simply doesn’t work. The gap between the military and civilians is deepening. I feel that I have much more in common with those around me who experience all the horrors of this war. And I don’t see civil society actively doing anything for our readaptation.

Of course, I think about the future; it’s not like I’m going to fight all my life. I was forced to join the army. If it weren’t for the war, I wouldn’t have come close to joining it. Yes, it is a necessary mechanism. But the army is very difficult to reform; it’s still very much a part of the soviet tradition. Moreover, the army is very restrictive, which is not my thing. Some progress has been made, but primarily at the company level. If it is a combat unit, then the main thing here is brothers and sisters-in-arms, not statutory requirements. Each company is like a distinct organism. However, if you look at the higher ranks, everything is very sad. This is my perspective as a civilian who remains a civilian even at war.

In the future, I am attracted to a peaceful life. Freedom. Freedom of choice, freedom of movement. The ability not to wake up to the commander’s words ‘breakthrough’ and ‘go ahead, close it’. Because it’s a matter of luck whether you survive or not. When you enter a position, it’s terrifying. Everything that can be fired at you is flying in your direction. Walking to the same position, a kilometre or two, is no easy stroll. Everything trembles inside. When you step in, it’s easier; there’s a trench, and you’re covered. And if there’s a battle, there are no thoughts, no doubts at all. I only think about getting one more… It’s not good. I see that I am becoming addicted to war, to the intense sensations. Overcoming this will take time.

Today, there hasn’t been a single shot fired. Usually at this time, a tank on the other side starts operating, searching for artillery in the fields. The ‘hail’ starts, and you can hear the 120 mm rounds being fired. But today there is a strange silence, and it scares me.

I mentioned that there was silence at the front. An hour after our conversation, a fragment of shrapnel hit my car. Silence at the front is not a good sign‘ — a message we received from Oksana after the interview.

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United in Courage: Sonic

United in Courage is a series of interviews conducted primarily in April 2023 by the Feminists of Kyiv team, featuring members of feminist and LGBTQ+ communities currently serving in the Armed Forces of Ukraine. 

We invited the participants of the series to tell us about their lives before the full-scale russian invasion and what motivated them to join the army. We also discussed the different experiences and challenges they face in the Armed Forces, as well as the sources of support that sustain their resilience in the ongoing war.

We hope that this series of interviews will mark the beginning of an anthology in which Feminists of Kyiv media will amplify the voices of women and queer people who are defending Ukraine. You can support us in this effort.

Interviewer, editor, translator: Bozhena Makovska
Visual artist: 
Michael Tulsky

My call sign is Sonic. I am a 22 years old cis heterosexual woman and intersectional feminist. Before the full-scale invasion, I was involved in feminist and vegan activism. I conducted lectures in schools for girls on topics such as personal boundaries, security, and feminism. Additionally, I organised feminist film screenings and participated in protests. I also contributed to cooking vegan meals for those in need and initiated food distributions in my hometown in the East of Ukraine.

I wouldn’t say that these were big and impressive projects, although I wanted to develop in this direction. I was considering working in public service, contributing to the creation of shelters in Ukraine, or potentially becoming a local council member. I used to hitchhike a lot. I visited youth centres and discussed their approaches of combating gender-based violence and providing assistance to vulnerable groups, including homeless people. I dreamed of gaining as much expertise as possible and implementing it all at the local level, because for me, the development of the East and South is an idée fixe. I was also planning to join the army anyway.

In 2020, I enrolled in the military training department in Rivne, studying to become a mechanised platoon commander. I had thought that if I graduated from the military faculty and obtained an officer’s rank, I would go to the Joint Forces Operation, where I would be fighting in Donbas and reclaiming my home.

In 2021, I already attempted to join the army. I went to the military recruitment office and said that I couldn’t live like this anymore while someone else was fighting for our independence. This realisation had been growing within me since 2014; it seemed pointless to study while the country was at war. However, at that time, I was advised to wait, complete my military education, and make it easier for me, as a woman, to be truly involved in the war. I agreed, but with the beginning of the full-scale war, waiting became unbearable.

I joined the ranks of the Armed Forces of Ukraine in March 2022, almost a month after the start of the large-scale russian offensive, because no one wanted to take me anywhere. At that time, I was a final-year cadet at the military department and a student at Ostroh Academy, majoring in political science. I was able to complete both my studies remotely, thanks to a secondment from my military unit.

Since I was mobilised on the 23rd of March and graduated in July, I now have only a certificate of completion of the military faculty, but no rank. If I had been mobilised in the autumn, I would be a junior lieutenant now. However, at the time of mobilisation, I did not think about whether I would complete my education. It was important for me to stand up for the defence of my country.

People who studied at the military department are commonly called ‘blazers’ in the army. The majority of them lack battle experience and cannot always be effective combat commanders. Possessing an officer’s ID card wouldn’t have saved me from discrimination. Female officers are typically not appointed to roles directly involved in combat operations. Usually, they work in headquarters, in positions demanding minimal responsibility and logic, and even at the company level, they handle document-related tasks.

Any position in the Ukrainian army is inherently difficult. The crucial factor is that a person has the necessary competencies and the willingness to work in such conditions. When a battalion advances to the front, the headquarters is situated a certain number of kilometres away from the actual contact line. I am currently in the Bakhmut area. We have 18 women snipers in our battalion, and they are all on duty at the headquarters or in the permanent deployment point — because that’s what the order is. However, they are still exposed to danger. Sometimes, you may find yourself sitting in a basement when an S-300 flies in. The frontline is still the frontline, so claiming that commanders aim to protect someone is hypocritical.

This is hypocritical for several reasons. For example, I am often told that I am too young. At the same time, guys aged 18-19 are being killed. We have a woman, an experienced cartographer, but she holds a soldier’s rank. At the headquarters, instead of doing her job, she deals with paperwork and makes coffee for the commanders. It literally works like in the dumbest stereotype. Situations like this occur daily, and the struggle against such individuals persists every day. It’s important to understand that there are a lot of men working in the headquarters. They genuinely want to serve there — it’s true. All women serve voluntarily, and they are not here for what the army of the current model offers them.

The majority of the Armed Forces consist of infantry units, and my unit is also infantry. When we’re not on the frontline, we call it ‘drying off’, which allows time for both rest and self-education. People engage in training, participate in patrols and combat missions, and then take a break. The headquarters, on the other hand, operates continuously, especially now, when there are a lot of losses and a huge amount of lost property. People work without days off. Therefore, appointing women to headquarters positions is not about caring; rather, it is about distrust and the reluctance of male commanders to accept that women are fully capable of performing the same tasks as they do.

When it comes to the path of women in the military, there are very different stories. It’s not that there are no women on the front lines; they are present. However, to secure a combat position and eventually make it to the front, you need to show the highest performance in training, to impress everyone with your skills. Only then will trust be placed in you.

I had to lie when I was mobilised. When I signed up for the Territorial Defence, it was just a list of volunteers. Initially, I wrote that I was a cadet of the military department. But when I got the call and came to the formation, everything was very chaotic. No one checked anything — neither documents nor phones. They began to give us positions, for example: ‘You are a clerk’. I realised I needed to play the deception card and claim to be an officer. I understood that if I told the truth, I would be like all the other girls without military education: either a clerk, a cook, or a nurse. I was assigned to the position of a rifleman.

It was a Kyiv-based territorial defence, and when the order came that the TDF was now operating nationwide, our unit was relocated from Kyiv to another location. There we were divided again. I recall a certain major reading out surnames, and, for some reason, all the women ended up in positions at the medical unit and field kitchens. I interrupted him and said: ‘On what basis do you have no women in combat positions?’ He replied in a rude manner that he was just reading out the list and didn’t know who was a man and who was a woman. I was not on the list at all. In such a scenario, you either have to remind yourself or go back to where you came from. I chose the second option. I got into the car returning to the deployment point in Kyiv, and we drove away. I probably could have just gone home, but I didn’t want to.

I enlisted in the military unit as an officer, but informed the commander that I was still in the midst of my studies. I took a secondment to my military department, returned, and that was the end of it. I retained my position as a rifleman, which I got by deception.

Only volunteers fought in the spring and summer. During company briefings, we were asked who was willing to go to the front line, and I, along with a few others, raised our hands. But they laughed at me. Later on, I raised my hand on several occasions. I was then dispatched to a battalion situated in the village of Berestove, above Soledar. I spoke to the commander and said that I did not want to sit in the headquarters, and I needed guarantees that I would take part in combat operations. He asked in great detail about my knowledge, skills, and competences. It all sounded like it was some elite unit, and we’ll see if there’s a place for me there. But what happened was that we spent a long time in the rear. Yes, we patrolled, we worked as air defence groups. But I didn’t gain any combat experience.

Everything changed when I managed to transfer to another territorial defence battalion. We found common ground with the company commander, and as a result, he appointed me to the position of squad leader, commander of an infantry fighting vehicle that I studied at the military department. However, when we went to the east, and we are still here, it occurred that the first group left, the second group left, and I remained on patrols under fire, but not in Bakhmut itself. I asked: What’s wrong? And received the answer that the problem was not in me; it just so happened. At the battalion level, the commander asked me who I was and what I was doing here. His first phrase when he saw me was: ‘Who recruited you, fuckheads?’ Further, the chief of staff said that I reminded him of his daughter, who is also about 20 years old, and that I would never go anywhere with this battalion. Now, I am actively seeking another place for a transfer.

My desire to serve in the infantry is driven by the fact that I want to be on the front line. This is what the best of people do; it’s something one cannot help but undertake given the current circumstances. And this is a reality the greater part of society will need to confront. I believe every Ukrainian should undergo such an experience to grasp the context of the future. For instance, the processes of state-building that one can contribute to by working in NGOs, political analytics, civic activism, or journalism; t’s an experience that enables a profound understanding of the majority of people. This is the first reason.

Another reason is that, after our victory, as we join Prides and Feminist marches on March 8th, there will be veterans who will inquire where we were while they were defending our freedom. The thing is, I don’t want my freedom to be achieved at the expense of someone else’s, apart from my own. I also don’t want women in a nation that has endured war to be excluded from public discourse because they were not actively involved. They didn’t participate not because they didn’t want to but because they had no other choice. Because men were the ones who forced them into the headquarters.

Of course, it is possible to benefit the state in other ways. My point is that our predecessors fought for the rights of women to be in the army in the positions that are now available to us, for example, combat medics. Similarly, my mission may be to pave the way for women who will join the Armed Forces after me.

After more than a year of service, I realised that this fight is very important. However, the saddest thing is that with such a mission, it is not enough to be yourself and do a meaningful job. I’m unsure of the origin of this expression, but it is 100% true: a man in the army is considered normal until he proves otherwise, and a woman is considered abnormal until she proves otherwise.

War is the place where you can die or make a significant mistake, not due to incompetence, but merely because luck is not on your side. It’s not an art, a science, or a craft where you can show remarkable results solely through your effort and work. Preparing for the current circumstances, for the horrors that the russians are planning, is impossible. My biggest interest at the moment is to be of service and assistance, not to fight the patriarchy. Which is why I occasionally consider joining the military medical service to be useful where I will not be disturbed. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before.

From a legal standpoint, or on paper, women in the army have absolutely the same opportunities to serve as men. Our regulations do not include gender divisions; they treat individuals as combat units. The Ukrainian army is a scaled-down reflection of society because the vast majority are volunteers without prior military experience before the full-scale invasion. Abuse of authority, sexism, and so forth, are not perpetuated solely by those who served in the Soviet army. Instead, these actions are carried out by new officers and soldiers who embrace the system to gain acceptance within it.

I see education as a method of addressing this issue: educating personnel at all levels of the defence sector with a particular emphasis on gender equality. It is also crucial to establish a feedback system, enabling people to report problems like mine. If the command collectively shares these values, advocates for equality, and receives feedback, it will be an effective mechanism for influencing the decisions of individuals.

On the one hand, I don’t want women to go through all that. I wouldn’t wish anyone to experience discrimination or feel unwanted in the army. But I understand that the only way to resist is to become part of the patriarchal structures. The more people with a feminist perspective, women, nonbinary people, those who are discriminated by society, join the army, the quicker and more it will change. This is the only way.

As for creating separate women’s battalions, I think it’s a great idea. Probably, before I joined the Armed Forces, I would have said that it could separate us, create prejudice against women, as if we couldn’t fight alongside men. Now, I would certainly join such a battalion. It would suit me to think about how good I am as a fighter and improve my skills in modern combat systems. Women in the army should focus not on fighting sexism but on fighting the enemy.

Before the full-scale invasion, I often mentioned that you need to be conscious of your privileges. You have to understand that in some societies women don’t have basic rights. However, I’m not a fan of a gradual approach. I believe that any activist agenda should advance in its most contemporary form across all societies. Even in a society where a woman lives dependent on a husband she hasn’t chosen herself.

But now, considering the war, I wish for one thing: for the feminist community, and the world community in general, to comprehend that our struggle is not local. It is not a fight between Ukrainians and some neighbours who look like Ukrainians. No. It is a struggle between freedom and oppression. It is a battle between cannibalistic orders and humanistic values. It is a war waged by a totalitarian society against democracy.

I wouldn’t want people to read this text and think that they should cease supporting us because their donations will go not to me but to some man who said that women have no place at the front. As our victory approaches, so does the freedom of all women. The closer our victory is, the less suffering civilians, especially mothers, will have to endure. The longer this war goes on, the more women who either went to fight, or left Ukraine, or stayed, endangering themselves and their children, will suffer.

This war is a femicide. I want the global community to know that what is happening now concerns all countries, all people. Although, of course, there will never be such a level of perception. Similar to how we were able to not react to conflicts occurring in distant lands in the past. Now, somewhere far away, people are not responding to the ongoing war. But having lived through the experience of war, we develop a stronger sense of solidarity with the victims of conflicts worldwide.

The more people contribute to our victory, send aid, come out to protest, promote the message that Ukraine needs to be supported, Ukraine needs to be armed, Ukraine needs help to defeat russia, in their local communities, at work, in public services, in their home countries, the sooner the suffering of millions of Ukrainian women and girls will end.

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